This year, several people close to me have had their identity stolen, their accounts used in other states, or have been called and harassed by scamming douche bags who pretended to be from the bank and wanted personal information. I know times are hard. I’m the last person who needs to be reminded that. Earlier this year, I lost my job and I’ve been fighting to make ends meet and trying to make sense of it all. Also, I’ve probably killed my credit score and probably irreparably destroyed my sleep cycle but I figured I’d lie down and accept the inevitability that pretty soon, some clever ass wipe is going to procure my information or account numbers, but I’ve decided to build in a catch.
If you must take my identity, you have to take it all. You’ll have to change your name to mine. You’ll have to change your appearance. I’m over weight, so go to your favorite buffet and eat there for a day or two. I’m missing some teeth, back ones, so grab some pliers and pull out about 4 molars. I have back problems related to posture so get yourself a nice bulging disc and attend rehabilitation for a few months. I’ve got some wicked seasonal allergies, so caulk up your right nostril and 45% of your left. I have insomnia, so drink a post of coffee in the morning, one at night and for god’s sake, don’t sleep. Take some sleeping pills and laugh as you’ve attained the weird capability to resist them. Come down with a vicious virus or the flu, vomit your guts out, spike a fever. Now that you’re me, I should tell you I don’t have insurance. If you go to my doctor it will cost you $85 – $90 and that’s before they tell you to buy $50 worth of over-the-counter meds. You’ll have to take my car and it seems to like to take a few hundred dollars of extra money for random repairs and since it’s almost 10 years old, put another $100 or more on the side. You never know.
I earlier mentioned that I’ve probably messed up my credit store. See, I have about $50k of debt. Eighty percent of that is due to my college education; congrats, you have a degree in Information Science. It’s a degree that has been pretty much been fruitless for me, so prepare yourself to hear “we’re looking for someone with more experience” and the kicker “we’re looking for someone with a computer science degree (for some reason, although you’ve taken Computer Science classes and you cover the employer’s requirements, it won’t matter. You’re not good enough for them!). The rest of the debt is ‘in the cards’, and I’ve botched those up this summer. For a few weeks, I’ve given up answering the phone due to tons and tons of calls from ravenous companies that want their money and have applied tons and tons of fines and interest. They don’t care that you don’t have money and that you don’t know when you’ll get it. They’ll want you to pull a date out of thin air as to when they’ll get their cut.
Finally, the coup de grace of this fine deal you get to be me. You get to list with my worries and regrets. My loneliness. My fears. My sorrow. Most of the time, you’ll be sober. Every so, you’ll knock over a bottle of vodka and wake up with a painful multi day hangover. All the feelings expressed will come back magnified. There’s always a feeling of futility, that there is no escape. There’s no escape from the joke that I call my life. Suffering because the culmination of a life of trying to make things work, just doesn’t. A feeling of loss of things you never even had. You’re me. You’re not clinically depressed, your depressed for good reason. Now that you’ve decided to take what’s left, aren’t you proud?


